As soon as the doctor put the wand on my belly, he knew he wasn't going to go through with the version which is exactly what we prayed for. After that, he showed us the baby's face and where his other body parts were. He was a very nice doctor, probably in his 60's and smelled to me like a grandpa. I'm not sure why I picked up on that, but it was kind of comforting.
So all of this means that at our appointment on Friday, we will be scheduling a c-section........
And I'm tired of hearing how great and convenient it's going to be.
I got home today and went to sleep, then made some lunch and haven't stopped crying ever since. You may be asking, why am I so sad??? I can have the baby whenever I want, I don't have to experience 36 hours of labor - then a c-section, and everyone knows someone who has had a c-section and just loved it. Good for them.
When I tell someone the news I just want them to be quiet or to say they are sorry or to ask how I'm handling it. Since I'm feeling as though I'm wrong for feeling sad about this, maybe writing it down will help me to handle the situation a little better.
To me, here is what is NOT SO GREAT about a c-section:
1) There is no anticipation or surprise as to when the baby is coming. On Friday we will decide when his birthday is and what time he will be born. No guessing games or polls to post (which I had planned to do).
2) I will not know what a contraction feels like and I won't feel the incredible sense of accomplishment or relief to have the baby and have him placed on my chest while Dennis cuts the cord. This was the part I loved about the videos we watched in childbirth class and I was kind of looking forward to it.
3) My water breaking (if it ever even does) will be an emergency situation, rather than a joyous, exciting experience knowing the baby is ready to come.
4) I will not be able to hold my baby for a long time after he is born while I'm being stitched up and recovering. A lot of other people will be able to hold him before me. This probably hurts my heart the most.
5) I won't be able to care for him easily or by myself for a while after he's born while I'm recovering. We have to decide who is staying when to help and that is stressful for me.
6) I only have 12 weeks to spend with our baby and watch him grow before going back to work full time. For half of that time, I will be sore and not like myself.
7) I'll only be pregnant for two more weeks. I have loved being pregnant and am still not to the stage where I can't wait for him to be out. Hopefully in the next two weeks I'll get there.
So those are just a few things running through my mind and please don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly blessed that this boy is healthy because some families deal with much more difficult issues regarding their children. I'm just venting my frustration with people making me feel like I should feel a certain way about this when it's all so new and I'm just not there yet.
But through all of this, I am comforted by Isaiah 30:21:
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
I choose to trust Him.
6 comments:
Shannon,
I've prayed for you often this past week. My sister-in-law had a baby 2 weeks ago and struggled with the same issues. A week before she was born, little Leah turned the right way.
It's ok to be sad. You've been dreaming about this for 9 months and bang! it suddenly changed. Remember,
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
And, I love this next verse! He specifically singles out "us" as those He will gently lead.
Isaiah 40:11
He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.
I suggest chocolate. I'll eat some tonight in your honor ;-)
Jenny Bergren
P.S. Oh, and get used to the stupid things that people say. When you have kids it never stops, unfortunately. And, frankly, I know there has been a time or two when my words bypassed my brain and went direcly out my mouth.
Oh you sweet thing. I'm sorry for my insensitive words earlier on facebook. I (of all people) should know how UNTIMELY phrases like that are. I will grieve with you and although I don't know exactly how you are feeling, I hurt for your disappointment.
The Lord is Lord of all. He is with you. I hurt for you.
I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your transparency and vulnerability in your blog Shannon...such power in a believer sharing the realness of their journey! Although I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, reading your post literally brought me to tears! I am still praying that this little boy miraculously turns around and that if that is not what happens that you will have comfort as you grieve (which, by the way, is definitely okay to do!!!) and peace with the end result!
We are praying:) Such a blessing to come to your shower and celebrate this new life:) You can even start reading to him now, if you want:)
If I knew your email or phone number I would definitely get ahold of you quicker, but this very problem you have is my passion- what I am going to school for. I know that you think you don't have any options right now, but you certainly and most definitely do. Do not let a stupid statistic make your decision- and I guarantee you that statistic is not all-encompassing. I will be praying for you, too. It is not a rare thing to have a baby born vaginally breech. It is a doctor's preference because of liability and convenience to deliver a baby by c-section. You want statistic, look at those for c-sections. If you want a natural birth, don't let someone's preference ruin that for you. Yes, you will still have a baby, but I've had three different birth experiences and wish I had spoken up sooner with my second one. Doctors are doctors, but God gave you intricate knowledge into your own body and to be able to make decisions that maybe other doctors/people wouldn't- and still be just as wise. I know that if I had a breech baby I would be able to have my baby at home/birth center with a midwife for a fact. Just know, you still have options if you want them.
I know I speak boldly, but, although I'm not a sage, I know what I'm talking about in this matter.
I know my comment is strong, sorry about that- I'm studying to be a CNM- nurse midwife for high risk pregnancies such as yours. All women have a choice with what kind of birth they want. All c-sections are not bad, they are just overused and used as a default too often. I have an opinion, obviously, but I just want you to know you can have one too and not be forced into someone else's decision for you.
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